


raven leader

by calcelmo



Category: Chronicles of Ancient Darkness - Michelle Paver
Genre: and not knowing one of the character's names, uhhh, why did I write this knowing 0 people will read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 23:50:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18788773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calcelmo/pseuds/calcelmo
Summary: Fin-Kedinn had a complicated relationship with Torak's father.





	raven leader

Yellow eyes, nervous but excited. Small hands offering a gift.

"I made it myself when I needed the bones. I had no use for the beak but then I heard you were coming, and, well... it's to remind you of home."

At the time, he was missing his Clan terribly. He touched the strip of black feathers at his shoulder and smiled back, feeling for the first time that this might be alright.

He accepted the necklace and put his hand on his heart in thanks.

"What's your name?" the boy asked.

"Fin-Kedinn."

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

"He was my best friend."

That's no lie, but there was more to it than that. So much more that Fin-Kedinn feels sick just looking at the boy, a mirror image of his father at the same age.  
And the eyes. The wolf's eyes.

He wants Torak to know that he had never loved anyone more than Torak's father, but that would make everything complicated. It would raise questions that he himself has asked and failed to answer.

Like, why didn't you stop him?

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

In the early days of the Moon of No Dark, there was always a tension between them, sparking hot in the summer air.  
Torak's father, who Fin-Kedinn can't bear to name aloud even in his own mind, was trying desperately, with enough concentration and a thin paste of dandelion and bay leaves smeared onto the backs of his hands, to spirit walk into a beetle.

"I admire your dedication," Fin-Kedinn had said indulgently, "But what would you need this for?"

The Wolf Clan boy had always shown a talent and huge passion for Magecraft, dedicating a lot of time sitting just like this, trying to will himself into the body of another animal. He'd gone from birds, to boars, to trees, to pebbles. It confused Fin-Kedinn because he thought Magecraft was all about medicine and divination, whereas the Wolf boy was interested in how souls worked and how he could understand the Forest and all its inhabitants.

"If I can  _become_ them, I can understand them. I can know their very souls."  
  
He stopped himself when he caught Fin-Kedinn's alarmed look, and laughed, patting him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. Magic can bring us closer to the Forest, and that makes me really excited."

Fin-Kedinn looked at the Wolf boy. Sometimes, he looked way beyond his thirteen summers, like an elder trapped in a boy's body. But now, he looked like an excitable pup.

He smiled.

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

Torak doesn't waste questions so it's hard to avoid answering when he does ask.  
  
"What was my father like when you knew him?"

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

It was the Moon of Roaring Stags in which the whispers began. Winter was coming and every Mage in the Forest, including Torak's father, predicted that it would be an especially cold season.  
 Naturally, all those close to their seventeenth summer were casting about for someone to warm them in the long, cold nights.

 Fin-Kedinn had his eye on a beautiful Wolf Clan girl, following Tenris' lead, but he was getting distracted.

 By Torak's father.

 They hunted together, ate together, talked about everything, as it had been four the last eight summers. Fin-Kedinn's eyes were drawn away from the beautiful girl and to his best friend.

 His smile, his laughter, his eyes. His thirst for knowledge, his skill in tracking. His passion, his strong hands- not the thin, delicate hands of a boy, but the strong, vein-corded hands of a man.  
 

 It hurt to want someone so much but to be so confused by it and have no idea how or whether to act on those feelings.

 He threw himself into hunting. The Wolf Clan boy tried to insist on going with him, but he wanted to put a distance between them, so he went alone. His skills sharpened, but so did the ache in his heart.

 Almost a moon went by and Fin-Kedinn realised that soon enough, he'd be returning to the Raven Clan. The thought made him nervous. At first, he'd long to return to his family and Clan, missing them every day, but after nearly nine summers, they seemed a distant memory. His family was here, and he would have to leave.

The Wolf boy cornered him as he was freeing a willow grouse for nightmeal he'd caught in a trap.

 "You're avoiding me," he said astutely, sounding hurt.

 Fin-Kedinn was so taken aback he didn't answer, opening his mouth then closing it again. He turned around and stood up.

 How could he begin to explain the reason he was avoiding him?

 A breeze whistled through the birches, stirring through their hair and ruffling it so Fin-Kedinn wanted to reach out and brush Torak's father's dark hair back into place.  
 He set his mouth in a firm line.

 "You're leaving soon," the Wolf Clan boy said mournfully. "I want... I want to spend more time with you, while we have it left."

 In the Spring, he would return to the Ravens. Maybe he would never see his friend again.

 "I'm sorry," he said tightly. "I just needed time alone." Then he sighed. "I'm finding it hard. I don't really want to go back."

 The boy took his hand. Fin-Kedinn stared at him in wonder; the ease of his touch and the familiar intimacy.

 "I don't want you to go either. Let's run away," he grinned.

 He looked like a pup again. Fin-Kedinn swayed closer like a moth to a flame, then with great effort, reigned himself in.

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

"He was funny. Mischievous. But sometimes he scared me because he always knew more than he should."

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

 

 Fin-Kedinn was furious. He kicked at a pebble and sent it skidding into the river. He felt like screaming, but it would be his luck that a hunting party heard him and went back talking of demons to their Mage. And his throat felt sore.

 The worst thing was _why_ he was so angry. It was stupid.

 Torak's father had found a mate. A quiet, pretty Red Deer girl with soft green eyes and curly hair. As far as Fin-Kedinn was aware, they hadn't even spoken yet, but he saw the way the girl looked at him, and more importantly, the looks he threw her. Enchanted, but strangely surprised. As though he couldn't believe the attention.

 Fin-Kedinn kicked another stone and it was only summers of practice that stopped him flinching at the familiar voice calling out,  
"What did that stone do to you?"

 He didn't turn round this time. He closed his eyes and listened to the stream gurgle, and the Wolf boy's footsteps as he got closer.

 "Are you alright?"  
A hand on his shoulder. A hand that didn't belong with him, it belonged on soft skin and buried in earthblood-matted curls.

 "No," he answered. His voice was raw. He felt ill.

 The boy turned him round and put his other hand on his shoulder. "It will be alright."

They began walking again. Fin-Kedinn stumbled a few times, completely unlike him; normally so sure-footed and confident as a hunter.  
"You might be getting sick," the Wolf boy observed. "I'll look after you."

 "You always do," Fin-Kedinn rasped, honest in his sickness.

 The apprentice Mage looked pleased.

As the sun began to set, they started a shelter. The young saplings made it small and the sparse dead branches poorly insulated, but the fire would keep them warm.

 They prepared the meat and wrapped it in leaves, placing it over the fire to cook. The Wolf boy's stomach rumbled, but Fin-Kedinn didn't feel hungry. He felt too hot sitting by the fire, but strangely cold at the same time.  
 They ate in companionable silence and he felt a little better, but still too warm. He curled up in his sleeping sack and they bade each other goodnight.  
  
It wasn't. He woke up with a jolt from a nightmare about a blazing fire. He was absolutely drenched in sweat and shivering hard. Earlier, he felt like he was burning, now he was so cold his teeth clacked together.

 "Fin-Kedinn?"

 "I'm f-f-f-fine."

 That beautiful laugh. His heart clenched and he shut his eyes against the cold.

 "Come here. You're freezing."

 "No. You'll c-catch the f-fever."

 "If I'm going to get it, I would have by now. I burned juniper branches in the fire to keep the fever away."

 Fin-Kedinn wasn't going to argue. To be so close to Torak's father was something he'd always wanted, but now he couldn't even savour it, because he felt so sick.  
Strong, warm arms wrapped around him as he settled into the sleeping sack. He'd never been so close to someone else before. He'd never felt so safe and loved.  
He choked back a sob, but of course, the Wolf boy noticed and scratched his scalp comfortingly, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

 They fell back into sleep and this time he dreamt of a pack of howling wolves.  
  
When he awoke, he knew within seconds that the fever was gone. His clothes were tacky with sweat, but the Magecraft had worked.  
Torak's father hadn't moved. He was snoring softly, breath puffing against Fin-Kedinn's neck, arms tight around his midriff.

 Blackbirds chirped in the morning sun. It was as cold as the day before, but he felt cosy and didn't much want to leave.  
The Wolf boy stirred. Fin-Kedinn tensed. Would it be strange to wake up curled so intimately with someone? Would he wish it was with the Red Deer girl?

 "Fin," he mumbled happily against Fin-Kedinn's shoulder. As though that was who he wanted to wake up next to. He turned over, stretching like a wolf, and Fin-Kedinn mourned the contact, but he simply rolled back over and cuddled close again.

 "I feel better now," he whispered.

 "Tha's good," came the mumbled, contented reply.

 "Thank you for," Fin-Kedinn's breath caught as those bright yellow eyes opened, "...this."  
  
That should have been the last time.

 It wasn't.

 For the next five days, they made the trek to the part of the Forest they used to camp in winter. In the day, they hunted and made arrowheads and fishing hooks. Each night, they slipped into the same sleeping sack and woke in a mess of tangled limbs. On the final day, when they reached the camp and everything was in order, Fin-Kedinn felt the burning urge to ask and this time he couldn't stop himself.

 "Are you going to mate with the Red Deer woman?"

 The Wolf boy looked up from his collection of raven bones and blinked. He stood up and walked closer. Fin-Kedinn stood his ground, although he swallowed thickly.

 "Why?"

 Fin-Kedinn was no mage who could read minds or predict the future, but he knew the weight carried in that one word. It was a question the Wolf boy already knew the answer to, had almost been toying with him over it, and if he wasn't so desperate he would have been insulted.  
 The boy was smiling encouragingly. They were standing amongst firs that could whisper his secret and pass it on should he give in, but he was no coward. No one had ever been outcast for wanting another man, but what had happened instead, he didn't know either. He doubted they lived in peace, but what he did know was that he didn't care.

 He leant forward and pressed his lips to the Wolf boy's, whose fingers laced through his. It was a moment of total clarity and love that climbed out of his throat and spilled out of his mouth.

 He drew back hesitantly, aware of how silent the Forest had become.

 "I only want you," the Wolf boy said.

 In those days, just the two of them, it was that simple.

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)  
 After returning a melancholy wave and making the trip back to the Raven camp, he did not see Torak's father for many summers. He kept the raven's beak necklace he'd given him on a string around his neck until the day he found out he was a Soul Eater, and that now lies somewhere at the bottom of the Widewater.  
Over time, the pain of missing him faded. He was left with pleasant memories of warm touches, innocent and curious, kinship and a fierce loyalty to one another. But a new passion began to take him over, and that was becoming Clan Leader. Tirelessly he worked to become the bravest, the strongest, the wisest. Little by little, he left Torak's father behind.

 Then the Clan Meet. He was too busy researching the other Clans and how to gain their respect to remember that Torak's father and Tenris would be there. When they arrived at the water's edge, there was no mistaking the group with dotted tattoos on their cheekbones, and strange yellow irises.

 Sure enough, he was among them, and acting as Mage. This gave him joy to see, but also trepidation.

 They locked eyes. Torak's father did not smile, nor did he frown. He only held his gaze for a second, then turned around, a new blue-flint knife hanging from his belt.  
Fin-Kedinn felt there must have been a message hidden in that look, but he was no Mage, and he could not find it.

The Healers were a central part of the Clan meet. Proposing an exciting new alliance of Mages who would work to keep all the Clans healthy and safe from demons, not just their own.

Fin-Kedinn's heart twisted when he saw the woman. An emotion so bleakly wrought with evil swelled inside his chest till he thought it would tear its way out and claw her to pieces.

 Jealousy.

 The Red Deer woman Torak's father had dismissed many summers ago was now his mate. And she was walking towards him with a gentle smile as though she knew him.

 Fin-Kedinn gritted his teeth, unable to hide his contempt.

 "You are Fin-Kedinn."  
Her tone wasn't questioning. It was wry. He nodded shortly. It took all his strength to put both fists over his chest in the sign of friendship and accept her doing the same. She looked like she knew too much. Would the Wolf Mage have told her what had happened? He hoped not. 

 "My mate wishes to speak with you," she said. Her voice was quiet, a little rough as though her throat had been scraped by bark. 

 "Why couldn't he have told me that?" he couldn't help but snap.

The woman smiled. "Because he doesn't know that he wishes to speak with you yet."

Fin-Kedinn stared at her. 

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

 He left the Ravens for a while and spent the night meeting the Wolf Clan, catching up with all his old friends. 

"I could see you as the Raven Leader," Maheegun agreed slowly, expression serious. Then his face broke into a warm smile. "It's good to see you again."

He sat with the Red Deer woman and ate some salmon stew with her. They didn't speak. He had many questions but his pride and bitter jealousy stitched his mouth shut. Together, they watched the Wolf Mage and the rest of the Healers stopping by to introduce them to all the other Clans. There were six of them. He recognised Wolf, Otter, Eagle Owl, Bat, Oak Clan tattoos, and narrowed his eyes when he saw that Seshru had rid herself of her Raven Clan marks and made Viper ones instead.

"That woman," the Wolf Mage's mate said, looking at him closely. "You know her."

"Yes."

He didn't want to talk about it. Seshru's betrayal had shaken the Clan, and he'd heard whispers, but he hadn't realised this was where she had ended up. A Healer. 

He found himself gazing at the Seal Clan, camped closest to the water's edge. He looked absently at first, then his gaze sharpened as he noticed Tenris wasn't there. That meant he had not been named Seal Mage, and grimly, Fin-Kedinn thought that he wouldn't have been very happy with that, especially as his brother had been named the Wolf Mage. 

The Healers returned to their Clans and Fin-Kedinn couldn't help but ask, "Where's Tenris?"

The Wolf Mage sighed. "... He was devastated when he wasn't named Seal Mage. I've asked him to join the Healers instead."

"And has he?"

"He's thinking about it."

As they sat and talked, they fell into the natural, familiar banter they'd always had. Fin-Kedinn tried to stop himself from leaning closer, or putting an arm round the other man's shoulder. He felt a little of the old heartbreak return and was glad of the distraction when the Eagle Owl woman approached them. 

"I know who you are," she smiled. 

 To this day, Fin-Kedinn will maintain that he has no capacity for Magecraft. But the bolt of dismal terror that shot through him when he looked into Eostra's cold eyes felt like a premonition. He wanted to stand up and scream.  _Do not trust this woman!_ But he was frozen in place, and her smile grew wider until it threatened to split open her face.

 "The Wolf Mage is always talking about you," she said. "You know... my friend this, Fin-Kedinn that."

Fin-Kedinn, not for the first time,  _cursed_ his complexion for allowing him to turn red so easily. He vowed from that day on he'd never be so caught off guard. He forced himself not to glance over at Torak's father, instead, he said, "We were very close. I hope the Healers are such a benefit to the Clans as you say they will be."

Her smile disappeared. "Yes, as do I."

When she drifted away, the Raven man felt the weight of a heavy gaze upon him.

"Excuse me," the Wolf Mage muttered, standing up and going after the Eagle Owl woman. 

Fin-Kedinn turned to the Red Deer. 

"I felt it too," she said grimly. "The fear. It is like the evil she will commit is so great that we can feel it even before it has happened."

He frowned. "Are you a Mage?"

"No. I have a talent for reading people. I know you want no harm to come to my mate."

He swallowed, looked away. "No, never."

"I think something is going to happen," she said, turning her searching green eyes to the rest of the Clans. "I cannot say what, or how, but I feel it in my souls. When it does, we have to be ready."

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

He wasn't.

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

When the Wolf Mage returned, stepping silently through the woods, Fin-Kedinn was alone. It was dark, and he sat watching the fire as the other Clans retired to their shelters.  

"You're angry with me," he said simply. 

 _No,_ Fin-Kedinn wanted to say.  _I'm in love with you. And it hurts to see you with someone else, even after all this time._

He said nothing. 

"When you left, I waited so long to see you again," the Mage continued. "But I didn't. You didn't visit, we never crossed paths. And yet I always knew this would be. I saw it in the bones. We were both destined for great things, just not... together. But there was a time when I wanted nothing more..." 

He trailed off. "I love her."

_I can see that._

"I'm happy for you, truly."

The Wolf Mage put a hand on his shoulder. It almost burned.  He remembered that sense of dread. 

"Don't lose your way," Fin-Kedinn said. It was a quiet, calm remark, but inside, he was pleading.  _Don't lose your way. Don't lose your way._

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

The Wolf Mage came close, but it wasn't he who lost the way in the end. He wanted the Forest, the Sea, the Mountains and their inhabitants,  _every_ inhabitant, to be as one. 

The Clans didn't  _want_ to follow the Old Way. So the Soul Eaters were born.

The Eagle Owl clan died out. The demons came. 

They wanted the True Way, and the true way was fear. So he brought the fire, the terrible, searing fire, killing Narrander's son and burning his brother near to the death.

The fire opal had shattered in his hands. He thought it was over.

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

The leaves on the trees, the stones on the ground. The river, the prey, the hunter. The Clans. All tense in wait for the onslaught of demons. And one had wandered right into their camp.

"Please, Fin-Kedinn."

There was a time when he would have shouted, raged, screamed. He sees much of his young self in Torak now. 

But he didn't even react. He turned away. 

"We have nowhere to go. I know I went down the wrong path. I'm trying to make it right."

_You can't. Don't you see? You can't make any of it right._

The Red Deer woman grasped his arm lightly. Her eyes burned. "Do you remember what he spoke of? That when the time came, you would be ready?"

He shook his head. "I am ready to protect my Clan. You made this choice."

He named Torak's father, who started to object in fury, but thought better of it.

"You can stay," Fin-Kedinn told her, looking at the Wolf Mage instead, letting his anger and betrayal show only in his eyes. The Mage looked away, pain etched onto his features. The rest of the Clan emerged from their shelters, watching quietly. Mistrust and betrayal showed on their pale, gaunt features. The Soul Eaters had taken everything. None were welcome here.

"I would never leave my mate behind," she answered, disappointment evident in her tone. At that moment, Fin-Kedinn knew that she knew everything about him and the Wolf Mage. She was right. He shouldn't abandon his best friend, his soul-mate, but every time he looked at her, he felt that furious jealousy come back.  _It should have been me!_ his clan soul cried in agony. They had struck up a tentative friendship built on respect and mutual understanding, and he had come to like her, but that didn't change what she had taken from him. What Torak's father had freely given, not to him, but to her. 

He knew he was being ridiculous. He was being immature and selfish. A young, frivolous, puppyish love does not last. 

It still hurt.

Deep down, he felt guilty. He was enraged by the Wolf Mage's actions, his utter disregard for his warning-  _don't lose your way-_ and his gall to beg for shelter and protection from the people he'd helped plague with demons, but he also felt ashamed that he hadn't done more to stop it from happening. Instead of waiting for it all to happen, why didn't he try and disband the Healers before it ever could have got this far? Why didn't he drag Torak's father away from it all, kicking and screaming if needs me, but safe and unharmed?

 Calmly, he repeated.  _"You made this choice._ I cannot endanger my Clan by allowing you to stay here. I hope you find shelter, and that the Soul Eaters don't. ButI won't let the Clans suffer any more for you."

 Torak's father had stopped taking the mixture which dyed the Wolf Clan's iris' yellow. They were a steady, pure grey. In them, Fin-Kedinn saw some of the unbridled hatred that makes a demon. 

 He never saw the Wolf Mage or his mate again.

[](https://imgur.com/rX49yrc)

But their son was dragged into his camp with a wolf cub in a sack and his proud niece. He had his suspicions; those tattoos, the wolf, the  _eyes,_ the features. And when he spoke, with such familiar defiance. All the air seemed to be pulled out of his lungs when Torak confirmed. He knew he hadn't masked his recognition, and dreaded explaining just how he knew the boy's parents.

The only thing the Wolf Mage had done right by was Torak. Sometimes, the boy was startlingly similar to his father, and Fin-Kedinn just had to take a little second to breathe. Then, he had the mysticism of his mother. And that hurt too, bringing a fresh onslaught of overwhelming guilt. He was strong, and stubborn. He was foolish and proud but he  _always_ respected Fin-Kedinn,  _always_ gave him that longing look.  _Why won't you foster me?_ it said. _A_ _m I not good enough?_

He wants to explain everything, but he can't. Sometimes, he can't even look at Torak.

"Your father made the right decision in the end," he says. "And after all that time, I did not. I'm sorry, Torak. I'm sorry for that."

Torak gazed at him. He sometimes spoke of how Wolf could turn from mischievous cub to omniscient Guide, and that's how Fin-Kedinn saw Torak in that moment. The boy was here to finish what his father couldn't, and Fin-Kedinn would do everything in his power to correct the mistake he'd made in turning his parents away that fateful night, the air brimming with restless evil, the Clans weak with sickness; waiting, pleading for a Listener to make it all stop.

 


End file.
